Saturday, 24 March 2018

I'm sorry.

To anyone and everyone who reads this blog, I want to apologise. The content I have been producing lately has been below acceptable. Especially my last post. Giving myself permission to treat my body the way I have been is disgraceful and I'm not only angry but also disappointed with myself.

I don't know what happened to me. Well I
do, I've been suffering with Post-natal Depression and I have never felt so not myself before. I was ready to let myself give up on myself but then I took this selfie of myself with Flynn and seeing the way he is looking at me in gave me a little kick in the heart. He is looking up to me with such love and I feel like I've already failed him. So's time to work on myself. I've challenged Jordan to do a Zumba workout with me tomorrow. I have the DVDs but always felt to afraid to do them in our first floor flat. I'm hoping Jordan doing it with me will provide us with enough laughs that my nerves will disappear.

I need to change and I need to stop giving up on myself. For my kids. Damn it I need to do this!

Until next time,
Alli xo

Thursday, 22 March 2018

First New Years Resolution Complete!

Yes as the title explains, I have completed my first New Years Resolution! At least I am counting it as complete. The first resolution I set myself (out of three) was to "Blog More". Last year I blogged a measly total of 49 posts. This post today is blog post bumber 50 of the year! That's right, I have officially blogged more this year that last year and so I am counting that as a big fat win for my first resolution. But don't worry, just because I've completed resolution number one, doesn't mean I'm suddenly going to stop blogging or blog less. I'll still be here, pushing myself to keep to schedule. I'm not giving up. So whilst this post is short and sweet, I'm still going to give myself a pat on the back for getting it done.

Until next time,
Alli xo
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Wednesday, 21 March 2018

I need to start again.....again

Some of you may have noticed I have a schedule for when my blog posts come out (Monday, Wednesday, Friday & Sunday). If you're one of those people, you might have noticed that I didn't post last Friday or Monday. I made up for Monday by posting my Flynn update yesterday instead of today and I'll try and make up for Friday by posting tomorrow as well. Anyway the reason I missed those two days was due to my frikkin annoying mood. I don't want to say PND, my god how I'm sick of blaming everything on PND but I don't know how else to explain how I've been feeling. Is there a point where it stops being Post-Natal Depression and just transitions into regular depression? I don't know! All I do know is that I need to wipe the slate clean and start again....again.

I have honestly lost count of how many
times, I've sat here and typed out that I'm starting the next chapter. That I'm going to work hard and push myself to get fit and healthy and lose a bunch of weight. That I'm going to dedicate my spare time to writing my novel instead of gaming or watching tv. That this time, I am so motivated that nothing is going to make me quit. And then I quit. Well, ok so I don't exactly quit, I just postpone everything. I was supposed to be returning to the gym this month but for financial reasons I have postponed it. I was supposed to be cleaning up my diet and exercising more but because of my depression, I couldn't find the motivation and so postponed that too. I eat like crap at the moment and my weight is going up again but the voices in my head says "who the F cares?" This blog is a perfect example of me postponing things. Fridays and Mondays posts never came out because my mood left me saying "I'll do it a little later. I'll do it a little later." Next thing I knew it was the following morning and woke up thinking "huh, probably should have written that thing." Yesterday I really struggled to write my post because part of me thought "well you missed 2 days, might as well give up." But that's all I ever do. I'm a massive quitter and I hate that about myself. I don't want to be a quitter anymore. I'm so tired of it.

However, I'm not about to sit here and spew up more bull that this is my pinnacle moment. That from now, I'm going to push myself to breaking point and shrink down to a healthy weight because by now you and I both know I'm speaking a load of baloney. I mean for crying out loud, I just went shopping to buy myself a protein filled lunch and came home with an
assortment or donuts, croissants and chocolate. I did also pick up some fruit and protein drinks I had neither for lunch. I'm emotional eating. I know I am. I see what I'm doing and I know it's wrong but I just don't care right now. My mood is so low and so crap that eating chocolate and donuts for lunch makes me feel better. It helps me feel like I can get through to the end of the day. Eating bad is the only thing giving me a bit of pleasure at the moment. I'm not so bad when Jordan is home but most of the week its just me and the kids. Or me and Flynn when Vala is at all school. Or just me alone like right now because Vala's at school and Flynn is asleep. I could be doing floor exercises right now and eating a healthy breakfast but I really don't want to. I'm exhausted all the time and working out now would just make it all the more difficult to make it through to the end of the day. Plus sitting here with my feet up on the sofa, eating chocolate will make me much happier than planking on the floor. I k ow because I've tried. I know I need to snap out of this rut and exercise more and eat better. Believe me, deep down in my heart it's what I want. My head is so messed up right now that I can't motivate myself.

So, instead of pushing myself to improve and sinking further into depression when I'm too tired to do anything else and not seeing instant results, I've decided to allow myself this harmful period. It sounds bad and that's because it is. Eating this way and not exercising is only increasing my risk of type 2 diabetes but from where I'm sitting, I know I need to fix my head first before jumping onto fixing my body. My head is my biggest enemy right now and I'm giving myself those ounces of happiness to keep fighting my demons and as stupid as it sounds, it's working. I exercised today by walking to and from the shops and sure I skipped breakfast and ate a really bad lunch but here I am posting a blog post on time and I feel motivated to work on my novel. I'm sure something will snap for me soon and I'll kick the demons out my head and work my arse off to repair the damage, like I want to but until we identify and work through all the things causing my PND, I'm going to keep doing whatever helps me get through the day. Even though I know it's bad for me. I just hope that snap comes sooner rather than later.

Until next time,
Alli xo

Tuesday, 20 March 2018

Flynn Monthly Update: 3 Months

Time really needs to slow down because I cannot believe my bouncing baby boy is three months old already. He's grown so much in the last month as well. He's a big boofa of a baby and even during his 12 week immunisations, the nurse asked if he was breastfed or formula fed because of how big he was. We've joked that my breasts are actually producing full fat cream instead of milk. He is a wonderful little lad though and we couldn't be more in love with him.

How Flynn Is Doing: 

At 3 months old Flynn weighs approximately 6.5kg (14lbs 05oz). That isn't 100% accurate though as to weigh him, I first weighed myself, then both of us together and deducted my weight. He had a nappy, vest and t-shirt on as well so the weight was probably off by an ounce or two. But he is still following on the same from last month with gaining another 2lbs in that time. So he's still following his percentile line nicely. It feels like we're constantly going through leaps with Flynn, as soon as one ends, another seems to start and the abilities he picks up each day keeps amazing us. He's going through his third leap at the moment and it's made him incredibly clingy and demanding of more attention from me. 

Flynn's current favourite things to do include sitting up, standing, staring at his own reflection in the mirror and blowing spit bubbles. He's a very happy and smiley boy still which we love to see. Though he will scream at the top of his lungs if he doesn't get the attention he wants. He is quite demanding for someone so little. He still hates having baths by himself and still hates tummy time. He's gotten better with tummy time and will raise his head and look around very briefly before putting his head back down and screaming until we roll him back over. He keeps trying to laugh but hasn't quite got it yet. Won't be long now though. He talks a lot and coos at his comforter; Mr Wiggles (named by Jordan). He's a cheeky, happy little boy who steals the heart of everyone who meets him and Jordan and I could not be more proud to call him our son. Cannot wait to see what this month holds for him.

How Mum Is Doing:

Lately I've been wondering at what point it stops being Post-Natal Depression and becomes just regular depression. Seems like my mood keeps fluctuating but most of the time I feel completely overwhelmed, stressed, trapped and down right miserable. I cry a lot, I snap a lot and I want to hide myself away a lot. I hate being like this and worse, I hate Vala seeing me like this. I hate snapping at her but it's like I have no control over my emotions. The other day she walked in to find me changing a very poopy nappy and said "Oh that's a smelly pooey nappy. Can you get me some cereal now?" To which I just snapped at her because she could very clearly see I was wrist deep in poop and not available to drop everything the moment she demanded something. She left the room crying and I felt like a horrible person. All I want to do is sleep most of the time or at the very least, stay in bed. I very rarely ever want to go out unless Jordan is with me. 

Physically, I'm absolutely fine. There is no pain or irritation around the incision wound and I often forget I've had a c-section. SPD is pretty much gone though I occasionally get the odd twinge of it in bed but thankfully it's not every night and it isn't that painful. More just uncomfortable and annoying. I'm in tip top shape to get back into exercising and working out but my broken mental state is making that difficult. I'm still fighting though. 

I feel my mental state has worsened since the last monthly update but I've had several deep conversations with Jordan and he is working hard to make things easier for me. He is an absolute champion and honestly I don't know what I'd do without him. My goals and dreams haven't changed but the demons I'm fighting are putting up a decent fight. They haven't won yet though. I love my family with all my heart and seeing their happy faces makes everything worth while. I fight for them.

Until next time,
Alli xo

Sunday, 18 March 2018

Thursday, 15 March 2018


I'm at a point where I'm struggling more and more with each passing day. Not just because of my PND, which to be honest I'm sick of talking about but because physically I feel I'm getting weaker. I have to remember to take my postnatal vitamins. I'm probably anaemic. It wouldn't surprise me. Yesterday i missed my first blog post of the year which I'm trying to make up for now but again, I'm tired and I can't think creatively. Therefore this is a short post with a photo of Flynn feom today. He had his 12 week immunsations today and amazingly didn't cry. He whimpered slightly but other than was completely fine. My brave little boy.

Until next time,
Alli xo
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Monday, 12 March 2018

Mothers Day 2018

Monday rolls around yet again but hopefully you all had lovely weekends; mothers especially. Sunday was Mothers Day here in the UK and I am very happy to report that I had a wonderful day!

If we ignore the 6.45am and 8.50am feeds, I was allowed to sleep in! Just after 9 o'clock, Jordan took both kids out to tesco to pick up ingredients to make me breakfast in bed. The quiet house meant I got the first decent sleep in since Flynn was born. I woke up at 11.30am to the sounds of commotion in the kitchen. Jordan bought me coffee in bed. The mug the coffee came in was a gift with photos of both Vala and Flynn on it with the words "Mummy, you are the greatest" written on it. Vala then presented me with a small bunch of beautiful yellow roses. They hurried back off to the kitchen and I could hear Jordan trying to figure out how to make pancakes. Before he could get started on that though, his mum unexpectedly arrived and I had to very quickly get dressed and look moderately presentable. She didn't stay though, she just stopped by to drop of a mothers day present for me. I'm still not sure why she felt the need to get me anything but I am grateful. Jordan gave her our gift and card to her and after she left he went back to the kitchen and I climbed back into bed in preparation for my brunch in bed. After the first two pancake failures I could see Jordan was starting to feel guilty and defeated so I bung on some music and started flipping the pancakes for him whilst he changed Flynn's nappy. The pancakes were pretty damn good and whilst I didn't have them in bed, I kinda liked the fact it was a team effort to make them.

After bunch we set out to the local lake for a family walk. I've now decided that walking around the lake is a mothers day family tradition because we did the exact same thing last mothers day. There's just something so relaxing and calming about walking around the lake, getting fresh air and exercise and having a laugh with the people I love most. Thanks to the recent bad weather there was A LOT of thick, oozy mud which we couldn't get the pram through, so we couldn't do the entire lap of the lake. We walked as far as we could on the paved sections and then turned back once we reached mud paths. Vala had a bit of fun playing on two separate play grounds and even held Flynn as she went down the slide. I got a lot of really beautiful photos of all of us as well.

After our trip to the lake, we went out for dinner to family favourite restaurant; Frankie & Benny's. I'm glad we made a table reservation as I have never seen the place so busy. Seems everyone had the same idea as there were kids running around everywhere. No matter where I looked I saw mothers enjoying a much desired alcoholic beverage and tired looking dads trying to keep their kids in line to ensure their significant others had an enjoyable mothers day. With the amount of noise, I was worried Flynn would wake up and scream the entire time, thus adding to the noise and ensuring our meal was less than relaxing. Thankfully however, he slept right through and our meal was very pleasant. Vala couldn't finish all hers though as she was exhausted from all the walking and excitement from the day. We got home and she took herself off to bed at 6.30pm. That's an hour and a half earlier than her usual bed time. After some one on one time with Flynn, he eventually settled too and Jordan and I spent the remainder of the night gaming together with my friend Adam. We were all in bed and exhausted by midnight.

I feel so lucky and so blessed to have such an amazing family. I cannot put into words how much I love my family. I got some great gifts yesterday but the greatest two gifts of all are the ones that call me 'mummy' or 'hrr gerrrr' in Flynn's case. I could never have imagined I'd end up with two incredibly beautiful and wonderful children nor that I'd be with an amazing man who loves and supports us as much as Jordan does. I truly, truly, truly am the luckiest woman alive!

Until next time,
Alli xo